For the Asking
by La Lauren
Summary: Lily begins her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, eager to finish and dreading facing her true feelings for both Severus and James.
1. Chapter One

Legal Disclaimer: I am not JKR. Most characters are her creation. I mean her no disrespect. All bow down.

Personal Disclaimer: I'm not a fabulous fiction writer. This is simply my way of coping with severe Harry Potter withdrawal post-Phoenix. Plot is not a strong point. I'm generally interested in exploring the characters of Lily, Severus, and James. If you think they and their crowd are pretty cool cats, read on.

Feedback is hugely appreciated. Anyone who has written love stories featuring Severus Snape, do point me in your direction!

On with the show.

----

I should have felt more excited, about to begin my seventh and final year at Hogwarts. I had just learned I'd been named Head Girl of Gryffindor House; I was an accomplished student on a path to become an accomplished auror; I had many friends and, not to put too fine a point on it, my share of suitors. I had everything to look forward to. But I simply wasn't.

For the seventh and final time, I walked alongside my beaming parents toward platform 9 3/4, trying my best to duplicate their joyous expressions. My sister Petunia lagged behind, her arms crossed and a scowl on her face, as was her custom. This time, my true feelings might have better manifested themselves in an imitation of _her_.

Not to suggest I was _dreading_ my return to Hogwarts; I was no more keen on remaining at home another day. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say I felt I had grown beyond both formal education and living at home. I was eager to begin preparation for my career, and prepared to join the fight against the still little-understood but undeniable rise of dark wizardry. And speaking of friends and suitors, I had to admit there were many people I was not exactly looking forward to seeing. I was tired of being one of the most loved, envied and hated girls in school; tired of everyone knowing my name and face but no one at all knowing who I truly _was._

But I would see it through to the end. I would do my best. I always did.

"Well," my mother began when we reached our destination, "good luck, darling! I know you'll make us as proud as ever this year."

My father straightened my Head Girl badge and reminded me warmly, "Send us a note as soon as you get settled. I know you'll be very busy, but if you can spare a second --"

"For you, I'll spare even five," I replied as I hugged each in turn.

I looked to my sister, standing several feet behind us, trying to pretend she was not related to any of us. "Bye, Petunia," I called amicably.

She sniffed in my general direction.

After a final round of goodbyes I stepped through platform 9 3/4, left my trunk to be loaded and boarded the Hogwarts Express.

I couldn't help but brighten a bit at the sight of the first years, excitedly soaking up what was for many of them their first true magical experience, nervously searching out new friends to sit with on the train. I remembered clearly how I felt in their shoes -- so full of possibility, as if I could choose from any of an infinite number of paths before me. How had I come to feel so set in my ways? I wondered absently when I began to feel so disinterested.

Lost in thought, I walked down the corridor to the back of the train where my girlfriends and I always sat, but the sight of one person made me stop dead in my tracks.

He was sitting in a compartment by himself, gazing fixedly out the window, even though the train had not yet left the station and the only scenery he could enjoy were dark brick walls. His expression was hard to read -- even I couldn't detect a trace of emotion on his pale face, and I don't think it's too self-gratifying to say I knew him better than anyone else at Hogwarts. But as he always intended, his cold, dark eyes were impenetrably dispassionate.

I stood there stupidly for what felt like five minutes, willing myself to sit next to him, at least say something. It felt like ages since I'd seen him last, but I still burned with embarrassment at the thought of everything that had happened between us at the end of last term, still as drawn to him as I'd ever been...

I was about to open my mouth to try for a simple "Hello" when my best friend Catherine leaned out of her cabin and shouted, "Hey, Lily! We're back here!"

Severus looked up sharply at the sound of my name and caught my eye for a second before I rushed away to my friends. I flashed him a weak but - I hoped - friendly smile as I passed. He remained determinedly impassive.

I plopped down next to Catherine, feeling suddenly flushed and hoping no one noticed. If they did, they didn't mention it.

Catherine Cole, a fellow Gryffindor, had become my best friend instantly the first day of our first year when my ordinarily ambivalent pet cat Hank jumped out of my arms on the train and went straight to her, made himself comfortable in her lap and began purring loudly. We both took it as a sign. She was a gorgeous, slightly plump girl with blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. She was probably the most outgoing and friendly girl I had ever met, and she never had a mean word to speak of anyone (a quality that often came as a breath of fresh air). I could never understand how so many boys in our class seemed to fancy me over her. I honestly believed many were intimidated by her beauty and good nature.

Violet Hooper, a Ravenclaw, and Opal Purkiss, a Hufflepuff, were both seated in our usual compartment as well. Opal, a tremendous gossip, and Violet, always reserved and earnest, were often at odds, but in the end they fought and loved each other like sisters. These three girls felt like a second family to me; I knew I could tell them anything, and they have been there for me anytime I needed someone. At Hogwarts, it seemed rare for members of different houses to become such close friends. Personally, I had never liked the rivalry and ill will the sorting system promoted. It was rare enough that I found a true friend; I refused to allow something so arbitrary as a sorting hat to narrow my options even further.

My bad mood vanished altogether as we discussed the details of our summers that hadn't already been related by owl post, moving on to our expectations about the final year and our already strong trepidation at facing the N.E.W.T. examinations. I didn't mention my brief encounter with Severus, or the feelings it had stirred in me, not that I managed to clear them from my mind. I didn't want to bring down everyone's high spirits, and truthfully, I didn't want to deal with my own feelings. More than that: I didn't want to acknowledge they even existed.

Not much chance of that, I thought resignedly as James Potter burst into the compartment, predictably enough.

"Why hello, pretty ladies," he grinned, acting as if he had stumbled across us by complete chance. "Now I'm here, the party can officially commence."

"That's a relief," Opal shot back in a tone I admired.

He leaned against the door purposefully, hands calculatedly casual in his pockets. "I just came by to let you know -- if this isn't too much excitement for you lovelies to handle, that is -- we're going to kick it up tonight in the common room. You know, show the first years what it really means to be a Gryffindor."

He was going out of his way to avoid meeting my eye. He had really only come to make sure I was aware of his presence, but knew this would agitate me.

"You may not want to incriminate yourself in front of the Head Girl, Potter," I suggested pleasantly.

"Ah, excuse me, your highness, didn't see you there," he smirked. "But I'm not really concerned, seeing as our Head Boy here is on the official planning committee."

He gestured to Remus Lupin, now standing behind James' shoulder. Remus smiled guiltily and shrugged. "He doesn't know it, but I'm keeping him in line."

"Ah." All four of us nodded, not believing him for a second -- knowing full well we weren't meant to.

"Listen," James said conspiratorially, "we've got to get back to the other two. They're the ones you've really got to look out for, of course."

"Of course," Catherine agreed with a wink - aimed primarily at Remus.

Remus smiled back at her, then took a couple steps back to make his exit.

"Well, I'm off then," James said, following his friend. "Hope to see all you ladies tonight, Gryffindor by nature or association! And Lily, if you decide to be cool, I'll be saving a dance for you."

Sometimes I wondered if he wasn't purposefully caricaturing himself.

I looked up to see all my friends' eyes on me, apparently gauging my reaction. They knew from first-hand experience how easily James got under my skin and how widely my regard for him tended to vary.

"Want to talk about it?" Catherine offered lightly.

"No," I replied simply. They understood.

"On the other hand," Violet interjected, eyeing Catherine, "I expect you'll be only too glad to talk about _your_ prospective love interest."

Violet was referring to Remus, who Catherine had had a crush on since fifth year. He seemed to alternately adore her and keep her at arms' length. Happy that today seemed more an indication of the former, I focused on Catherine's irrepressible grin rather than Violet's intimation that James was a prospective love interest of mine.

Catherine blushed. "Well, now you mention it..."

The rest of the trip passed congenially and uneventfully, the four of us falling quickly into our usual cadences of friendly chatter. Nothing relating to either Severus or James came up in conversation, but as the subject was weighing heavily on my mind and as they were so careful to avoid it, we might as well have discussed nothing else.


	2. Chapter Two

Thank you to everyone for your encouraging reviews! I don't think I would have been motivated to put up another chapter tonight had it not been for you :)

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The sorting ceremony got on typically enough, the newly selected Gryffindors welcomed particularly enthusiastically by the four Marauders, sitting to my right. 

Perhaps the only thing out of the ordinary was at the end of Headmaster Dumbledore's usual greeting, he became very grave. "In these uncertain times," he began diplomatically, "it is important that all students be on their guard, listen to their common sense, and stick to what your professors, head boys and girls and prefects instruct you to do. It is my wish that nothing -- including curfews, run of the grounds, and Hogsmeade weekends -- in the ordinary operation of this school should change, but I request that you all remain flexible and understand that all decisions are made with only your best interests in mind."

__

Uncertain times, I repeated to myself silently. As the words came out of his mouth, Catherine, James, Sirius, Remus and I exchanged significant glances, though few if any around us seemed to have thought anything of it. I knew my friends, at least, were as frustrated as I was: Dumbledore knew more about the recent attacks, kidnappings and raids than he was willing to share. And best interests be damned: we wanted to know the truth, and we wanted to do something about it.

The twinkle returned quickly to Dumbledore's eye, however, as he added with a wink to my section of the Gryffindor table: "And if any Houses are planning their own welcoming ceremonies for the first years tonight, I would ask only that they bear in mind classes commence first thing in the morning and lights ought to be out by eleven o'clock."

The feast finished, Remus and I joined the Gryffindor prefects to round up the first years and guide them to our tower.

I caught Severus' eye through the crowd for an instant and was about to give a little wave, but a second later Lucius Malfoy was at his side, whispering in his ear. As I walked out of the Great Hall, I couldn't help but glance backward at the two repeatedly: they moved to a quiet corner, Malfoy looking devious and excited, Severus still quite unemotional, but his eyebrows were raised slightly -- whether in feigned or real interest, I couldn't decide.

Though the rest of Gryffindor House couldn't have reached the common room more than ten minutes before the first years and the leaders, James and Sirius already had their little party well underway: music was blaring, butterbeers and assorted sweets were sitting out on a table, and nearly everyone in the house was laughing, dancing or playing games.

"Well, Evans!" I turned quickly to find James approaching me, right on cue. "Glad you could make it to our little soiree!"

"I _couldn't_ miss it for the world," I replied, unable to supress a smile. Though James and I invariably gave each other a hard time, I usually enjoyed our sparring, I had to admit. He truly hit a nerve only when he pushed on into his relentless attempts to convince me to go on a date with him long after I made it clear I was only interested in friendship. James couldn't stand losing, and I believed he would never give up trying to win me over. 

"Well, it wouldn't be the same without you." His charming smile remained fixed, but his eyes took on a more serious cast. It was a look I had seen before, one that always made me nervous. "I believe you owe me a dance?" He offered his hand.

"Sure," I agreed, taking it in mine.

When we reached the area of the common room that had been cleared out for a makeshift dance floor, he snapped his fingers and the music suddenly began to play half as fast as it had been. He wrapped his arms around me playfully and I pushed him back; finding an acceptable compromise, we danced.

"So, how was your summer holiday? Refreshing, I hope?" James asked casually.

"It was fine."

"I meant to ask you by owl post, except -- yes, that's right, I believe I _did_ ask you by owl post. I didn't hear back."

"I never received any letters from you," I replied, feigning ignorance.

"Because you instructed my owl to send them back to me."

"Oh. Perhaps that was the trouble."

James sighed resignedly, but did not stop smiling. "It's all right, you had every right to be cross with me. And I can see you're trying to be still, but you forgave me the moment you saw me on the train."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did."

__

Yes, I admitted to myself, _I had._

"Listen, I know I was a cad," James apologized genuinely. "And insensitive and proud and everything else you've always told me I am."

"James --"

"No no, you were quite right. I just wanted you to know, I'm working on all that."

I blushed, shocked and strangely unnerved by this vow. I wanted him to change, yes, I wanted him to grow and perhaps even make a truce with Severus. But it embarrassed me to know that he was doing so for _me..._

"James, look, that really does mean a lot, it's just--"

I was suddenly jostled out of his arms -- Sirius had caught James' nicked snitch in midair and went toppling to the ground between us. "Sorry!" he laughed. "Didn't mean to break up the happy reunion!"

Sirius ran off again, James and I laughing. A moment later, he yelled from across the room, "Wait, yes I did!" He threw the snitch in James' direction, the snitch changing course halfway, zooming in the direction it chose.

James, unable to resist, threw a vaguely regretful glance my way and said, "Sorry, we'll continue this later, Evans!"

I laughed and walked over to the refreshments table, wondering how the Marauders had managed to bribe the house elves into providing so much food as I helped myself to a butterbeer. I walked over to the window at the end of the table to get a better look at the foggy night sky.

Out on the grounds, I saw Severus taking one of his solitary strolls. I knew he often wandered the grounds when he had no other place to go to be alone, but I decided I'd take the chance that he might be looking for some company tonight.

I tried to make it across the room without attracting any attention, but sure enough just as I reached the Fat Lady's portrait, James called after me, "Where are you going, Evans?"

"I'll be back in a couple minutes."

I heard fragments of his next remarks as he turned back to Sirius. "It's him, isn't it?" I made out quite clearly, knowing he was well aware where my sudden mission was taking me.

Severus saw me walking toward him almost as soon as I'd stepped outside, to my chagrin: I faced an uncomfortable two minutes' walk with his eyes on me, him waiting expectantly, me trying to look casual, waiting for the interminable seconds to pass. He, however, recognized my discomfort -- having felt the same before, I knew -- and turned away, looking up at the stars rather than at me.

I marvelled at this small kindness -- no small thing at all, coming from him. Were I anyone else, he might have either taken no notice or went out of his way to be intimidating, depending on his mood. But for me, he turned 180 degrees and looked up... I knew that was a crazy thought as soon as it passed through my mind; I knew it was silly, as well, that I took such hope from a gesture that meant absolutely nothing in the absence of any more grandiose displays of affection. But I did.

When I reached him I stood directly at his side and joined him in his stargazing rather than meeting his eyes. Our arms were not quite close enough to touch, but just close enough to feel each other's warmth in the cool September air. I could barely catch my breath.

"Listen, I'm sorry about earlier," I said softly.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," he replied, almost a hint of a laugh in his voice, as if the suggestion of any problem between us were ludicrous. "I understand."

His tone convinced me that he did understand, and he wasn't in the least sore with me. But did he understand that I had just been uncomfortable and hadn't known what to say to him, or did he understand that I had chosen my other friends over him?

"And I - I meant to keep in touch with you over the summer, I just--"

"Lily," he said, finally looking me in the eye (there _was_ a bemused smile on his face) "neither of us kept in touch. I might have sent an owl too, you know."

So absorbed was I in my own guilty feelings that such a suggestion came almost as a shock to me. "Oh," I managed, sharing his smile. "I suppose you're right. So why -- I mean, what was wrong with us, anyway?"

"Seems silly now, doesn't it?"

We began to walk together in a campanionable silence, having reached this understanding. We walked -- almost instinctively -- to what I now thought of as "our" spot: where we had met several times over the past few years to tutor one another in potions and transfiguration, where last term we had begun to meet for other reasons, where the last time we had shared our first kiss... and where, that same night, everything had gone horribly wrong.

All the emotions I had felt in the past three years came rushing back to me in an instant. I shivered. Severus must have noticed -- a slight smile played across his face once more. 

We sat at the bottom of the enchanted silver willow tree which glowed brightly when night fell. The leaves cast a soft romantic light that now made me feel charged with nerves and excitement.

I wanted so much to reach for him spontaneously -- to hold his hand, to kiss him, just to feel the warmth of his body against mine...

__

Get a hold of yourself, Lily, I chided myself. But I didn't want to.

It went against my nature. It certainly went against his. But I wanted to be swept away. 

I looked up at him, hoping to make what I had been daydreaming about all summer come true. But the smile had left his face, and his eyes looked blank -- even cold -- once again.

__

He's thinking about the last time we were here, I thought, panicking. _He's thinking about James and all the things he said, he's thinking I defended James, he's wondering what he's doing sitting with me here at all..._

"Lily, I know a lot has changed since June," he began. Did he sound nervous?

"That's just what I want to talk to you about, I --"

"Look, I was afraid to write you over the summer. And I dreaded a letter from you. But now perhaps we should just get on with it -- Lily, if you've fallen in love with Potter, I won't--"

I laughed without meaning to, regretting it instantly as I saw there was real hurt behind his eyes. "No, Severus, I'm sorry, I didn't mean -- That is, I'm laughing because that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard you say! I'm not interested in James. I never have been."

He looked as if he was fighting tears from forming, and I reached out for his hand, squeezing it hard. "And whatever he may say or do, I never will be."

"I'm sorry," he said, still looking away, but no longer so anguished. "I hate myself for being this way -- so jealous and possessive. I know that infuriates you -- Lily, I would never try to possess you."

"I know that. Do I look infuriated to you?" 

I leaned in to peck him on the cheek, but he turned his head sharply before I reached him and our lips met forcefully in a kiss.

A kiss... our second kiss. It was still awkward; we were still wracked with nerves. I could feel his heart thumping in his chest, beating at least as quickly as my own. He was a good kisser, if I could judge in my own limited experience: gentle but urgent, warming my insides on this chilly, breezy night...

He pulled away first, but wrapped one arm around me and drew me closer. I put my head on his shoulder, and he rested his head on mine. I closed my eyes, taking in his scent, trying to preserve this feeling forever. After months dreading his reaction upon seeing me again, this was the sweetest gift I could ever have received.

Several minutes later, the question that had been niggling at me all night popped into my head again. "Severus... what was Malfoy telling you? Right after the feast?"

I could feel his body stiffen at my question. He was silent for a long time, finally muttering, "Nothing of consequence."

By his reaction I could tell it was something very important indeed. I didn't want to press him, but my curiosity got the better of me. "He just seemed very excited about something."

"Lily--" he began, more sharply than I had expected or he had intended. "It's nothing. Just another ridiculous idea of his to stir up trouble. You know nothing he says is ever worth hearing."

We fell into silence again. I knew there was more to this than he was telling me, and I couldn't imagine what Lucius Malfoy could have to say to him that Severus would react so strangely to. Though both were in Slytherin, they weren't exactly friends; Severus didn't seem to feel connected to any member of his House, and endured Malfoy's schemes and blathering only when absolutely necessary.

A few minutes later Severus pulled away from me abruptly and stood. "We're probably past curfew. We should go back."

"Yeah. You're probably right," I agreed as lightly as I could. 

But all the warmth between us had suddenly vanished. He kept his distance from me as we walked back, and when we parted ways to head to our respective towers he only kissed me on the cheek. I had no idea what had come over Severus, but I knew it had to do with Malfoy and I was determined to figure out what it was.


End file.
